Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
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when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
I see your IQ test came back negative
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
I needed a laugh this morning.