Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
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TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
The prophecy is fulfilled
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
Life cycle of cat
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.