Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
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Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
Not now. I’m deglazing.
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
*jingles half the way*
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!