{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to