In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
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My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
Best mom ever 😂
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to