Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
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Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
These are my roll models.
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.