Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
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Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
Called it
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.