Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
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a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900