MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
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[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
my dad has had enough
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide