comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
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When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
Jupiter
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions