Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
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I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings