Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
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Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
That’s it.I’m out.
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”