4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
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Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
Covid like
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
I see your IQ test came back negative
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??