[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
You Might Also Like
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.