This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
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Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
This fish is cracking me up
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.