(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
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[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
how to have an accident 101
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first