Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
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People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September