me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
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I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles