ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
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‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
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WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
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