Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
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I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.