What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
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A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
idk what this dog had been going through but same
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.