I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
You Might Also Like
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top