There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
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[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
Comparing yourself to others
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
how high up are we talkin’?
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
Florida be like…
Running your mouth is not cardio.
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old