[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
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If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.