Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
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Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
A game married people play.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
Your mother has terrible taste in children.