I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
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People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
WHY would you be happy about this?
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
Penguins walking in 5x speed
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.