I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
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It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
I’m aging like a fine banana
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.