Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
You Might Also Like
Tammy is short for Tamuel
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like Iβm trying to cast a spell to summon soup
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it canβt get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: α΄ΌΚ° βΏα΅
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume youβre too stupid to form complete sentences.
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
HER: letβs be open about how we really feel. Iβll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, donβt want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I donβt think βhβ needs to be in that word
me: I think youβre taking our βthink for yourselfβ talk a little too far
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
He said itβs canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Worst Native American name ever.
me working on my assignments ^-^
Digital security in Ancient Troy
I am using the Netflix account of my
β’little sister’s
β’prom date’s
β’ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
As soon as weβre able to go to church again Iβm not going.
When you vacuum your kidβs room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIΓATA
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.