gimma back my stick frost man… 馃槚鈽冿笍
You Might Also Like
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
When this is over, I鈥檓 just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
hate when i accidentally forget i鈥檓 on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
i prefer mine room temperature.
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalape帽o popper cheese curls??
Me: It鈥檚 self-care, so that makes it healthy.
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
pretending all the cars I鈥檓 passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they鈥檙e just driving somewhere
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they鈥檇 seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let鈥檚 see how this plays out
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I鈥檝e not sent anything it鈥檚 way for an hour, it鈥檚 checking I鈥檓 still alive
ME: what鈥檚 for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
[1st Row at Beyonc茅 Concert]
Beyonc茅: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] 鈥quirrels?
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…