Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
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My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
eating my hot dog hamburger style
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.