Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
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There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
worst…sale…ever
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
Time heals everything 🙂
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder