Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
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just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.