I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
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The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
This headline is a thing of beauty
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid