hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
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I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.