If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
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*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
me irl
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*