[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
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[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Everything reminds me of my ex
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.