My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
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The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
Optional boss fight.
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up