I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
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I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.