My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
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Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?