I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
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Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
fired