You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
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Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
That’s commitment
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
The devil.
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies