I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
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me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
this FaceApp is creepy af
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.