shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
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me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems