Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
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Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”