The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
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How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
i guess his teacher was really pissed
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.