Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
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Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas