1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
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Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.