Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
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A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win