the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
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Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!