“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
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I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.